Hitch: Always remember, life is not how many breaths you take, it’s how many moments take your breath away.
Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] No, I was told that you help guys get in there.
Hitch: Right, but see, here’s the thing – my clients actually *like* women. “Hit it and quit it” is not my thing.
Vance: Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.
Hitch: Well, *that* is for damn certain.
Hitch: Basic Principles – no woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!” Now, she might say “This is a really bad time for me,” or something like “I just need some space,” or my personal favorite “I’m really into my career right now.” You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? ‘Cause she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying! It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is “Uh, get away from me now,” or possibly “Try harder, stupid,” but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth. Of course she’s going to lie to you! She’s a nice person! She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn’t even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it, and that’s where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles – no matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.
Sara: Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along.
Albert: You can’t stop it…
Albert: You cannot stop it…
Hitch: When your wondering what to say, or how you look… just remember… she is already out with you. That means, she said yes, when she could’ve said no. That means she made a plan… when she could’ve just blown you off. So that means it is no longer you job to make her like you… It’s is your job NOT TO MESS IT UP.
Sara: What’s your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: Aw, you can’t get ‘em to stop?
Hitch: No guile, no game… No girl
Hitch: I’m a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?
Hitch: [to Albert] Don’t need no pizza. They got plenty of food there.
[Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts]
Hitch: What you got there?
Albert: This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Sara: Oh, God. You’re a morning person, aren’t you?
Hitch: Well, you know, like I always tell my clients, “Begin each day as if it were on purpose.”
[Unimpressed with Albert's dance moves, Hitch pauses the music and slaps him across the face]
Hitch: Get out.
Sara: [on her cell phone talking to Geoff, on her way to work] Did I call it or did I call it? I mean, what did I say, six months? And when was her first date? So five-and-a-half? God, I hate it when I’m right. I mean, what is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks, even when they’re going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole? I mean, she’s only the single most fabulous thing walking around New York. Thanks Young
[to guy working at newsstand]
Sara: Are you kidding? Of course I’m gonna run it. Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat? Even if he is gorgeous. Hey, if he’s stupid enough to cheat then the world should know he’s dumb enough to get caught.
Hitch: Basic principles… there are none.
Hitch: So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re enjoying your life, and the next you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.
Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I’m, I’m going out of my mind. It’s like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I’ll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.
Albert: That’s just it. I don’t want to. I mean, I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then… well, this is who I have to be.
Hitch: [Struggling to speak with Sara through her peephole, explaining why he pauses] … This is weird – I don’t have me behind the door.
Hitch: Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom.
Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I’m doing? This is what I’m about – power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Hitch: Oh! So that’s, like, a metaphor?
Vance: Oh, yeah.
Hitch: Right. Well, see, I’m more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this…
[he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]
Hitch: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?
Hitch: [Hitch showed Sara where her great-great-grandfather Juan signed into Ellis Island, and she ran out the door crying] I’m really sorry. When I saw him on the computer, it said “The Butcher of Cadíz.” I thought it was a profession, not a headline.
Hitch: One dance, one look, one kiss, that’s all we get, Albert. Just… one shot, to make the difference between happily ever after, and oh? he’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.
Albert: I want to jump in front of every cab I see, because maybe then I’ll stop thinking about her.
Sara: Casey, you’re not sick. You’re single. You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.
Casey: I haven’t been ridden in months.
Hitch: Because whose gonna believe that there’s a man out there that can sit down beside a woman he deosn’t know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own agenda?
Sara: Yeah, I wouldn’t even know what that would look like. So what would a guy lik that say?
Hitch: Well, he’d say, ‘My name is Alex Hitchens and I’m a consultant.’ But she wouldn’t be interested in that ’cause she’d probably be counting the seconds until he left.
Sara: Thinking he was like every other guy.
Sara: Which, life experience has taught her, is a virtual certainty. But then he’d ask her name and what she did for a living and she might blow him off. Or she might say…
Hitch: I’m Sara Melas. I run the gossip column at the Standard. And then he’d ask all these penetrating questiens about it because he was sincerely if atypically, interested.
Sara: He’d be interested. But he’h se that there was no way he could possibly make her realize that he was for real.
Sara: Well, he could be funny and charming and refreshingly original.
Hitch: Wouldn’t help.
Sara: Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Hitch: Not really.
Sara: They’d both probably go on to lead the lives they were headed toward. My guess is they’d do just fine. It’s a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.
Hitch: So, Louise, are you in the newspaper business, also?
Louise: Uh, no, I’m a psychiatrist.
Hitch: Well, uh, that’s the last thing I’m gonna say tonight.
Sara: Where’s the Benadryl?
Duane Reade Clerk: Aisle 2.
Sara: Which one’s Aisle 2?
Duane Reade Clerk: The one with the big 2 over it.
Raoul: Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you.
Hitch: Thanks a lot, Raoul. Send her up. And, uh, stop calling me papi